Listened to the over-believers

While I was running today I thought about my granddaddy. He was a quiet, kind man. He was probably the nicest person I’ve ever known. He wasn’t overly….well, anything. He was quietly everything. The one thing he always made me think was that I was awesome. It’s not like he said, “you are so smart and talented”, but he somehow said the things that made me believe I could. Could do whatever….be the best water skier, the strongest girl, the best fisherman, the best flute player, the smartest college kid.

Then there are “the others”, many more of them that say, “Oh you can’t do that, that is never going to happen, that sure sounds hard, do you really want to do that….” I realized that those people are poison, a slow poison that kind of seeps into your heart and your brain and make you tired and defeated.
I have a friend who is a writer (an actual author, not a hack like me) and he writes about over-believing in his kid a lot. So, I’m sort of stealing his words, but it really explains the people in my life that have made the biggest difference in who I am now and who I want to be in the future. Honestly, there aren’t that many of them. I think it’s because people who over-believe don’t need to demoralize others to make themselves feel successful. And that, my friends, is very, very rare.

As I ran, I thought about the people that make me believe I can. What’s funny is that sometimes these same people irritate the hell out of me! Leave me alone….it’s easier to give up than to do something difficult. Seriously, it so much easier!! But, because of them I teach, I run, I lost 110 pounds, and I occasionally do something really, really well. Oh, and I believe I can continue to do good and meaningful things. I am not the best teacher in the world but somebody believes I am and so I teach better. I am not a good athlete but people believe that I can run as long and as far as I can imagine so I keep trying. I am not the best writer but somebody tells me that they think my writing is great and so I keep doing it. I’m not the smartest person but there are people who make me feel like what I think and say has value so I continue to try to learn things.

Everybody should have these people in their lives. They suck the poisonous doubt out of our hearts and brains. Thank you to the people who over-believe in me. You know who you are. :)

Become a parent....sort of.

I have never had a child. My husband and I got married when I was 40 and neither of us wanted our own before then or after. We teach or have taught lots and lots of children and that has always been enough. We have nieces and nephews that we love with all of our hearts and souls. We love other people’s children….very, very much. We are both great with kids. I mean really great. Kids love us and we love them right back. And I have always loved coming home to my quiet, clean, non-kidded-up home and leaving said home whenever I want, to do whatever I want.

There are several reasons I think I wouldn’t have made a good parent.
1. I am crazy. I would be “that” parent at school. I would be “that” parent at sporting events. I would be “that” parent all the time.
2. My husband and I are opposites when it comes to children.
Him: Yeah, sweetie, you can wear those cowboy boots with your shorts and super girl cape to the grocery store.
Me: What in God’s name do you have on? You aren’t going anywhere dressed like that.
Him: Sure, son, go play on that big mound of dirt.
Me: Get out of that dirt!!! You are getting your perfectly matched clothes dirty and will track it into my clean house!!
3. I am selfish. Nothing funny about that. I am just too selfish. Parents are selfless people. I am not that guy.

Well, guess what? It turns out that maybe none of that is perfectly accurate. It turns out that our friends actually PICKED me and my husband to be their child’s godparents! Now, I am going to be honest, I think it is mostly due to him and not me, but, truthfully, I think we are perfect. Here’s why….
1. I am crazy. I love her and I would beat somebody to death if they hurt her. I would be “that” parent at school and everywhere else and she would need me to be. I don’t think that kind of crazy is all that bad.
2. My husband and I are opposites when it comes to children. She is a creative, joyful, and brilliant, perfect for my husband. She needs focus, structure and help to be successful in school and life, perfect for me.
3. I am selfish. What’s mine is mine. If she ended up mine, I would love her just like I gave birth to her. I am selfish and I am totally cool with that.

Now, I hope and pray that I will never have to fulfill my role as her parent because she has the best parents I have ever known. But if I do, I am going to freaking rock. Thank you to our friends who trust me enough to be a major part of their precious child’s life. That is the best thing ever.

Be the grasshopper

This past weekend I did nothing. Well, that’s not true. I went to breakfast with friends, sat by the pool, went for yummy Thai and sushi, barbecued in the backyard with more friends, read a book by the pool, and enjoyed a bloody mary (or two). Really, for two days I just relaxed. This is very unlike me. I am always cleaning or doing laundry or other tasks which may or may not be urgent but seem urgent in my head. But for some reason this weekend, I had no desire to DO anything except enjoy myself. I am amazed at how awesome this was! I truly had forgotten what doing nothing felt like.
I think that I am going make a point of doing nothing every once in awhile. Mainly because it made me stop and realize how lucky I am. I mean, if my biggest freak-out of the weekend is that my kitchen floor didn’t get cleaned this week, then it’s possible that I’m living life a little out of perspective. I’m not saying I’m going to live in filth from now on. I’m just saying that if some crumbs sit on the floor an extra 5 days, it might not be the end of the world. I know you are thinking that I couldn’t possibly get that upset about stuff like that, but I do!! And it’s asinine!
So as the weekend is coming to an end, I tell my husband about how amazing it was to just do nothing and not feel guilty about it. He tells me something about a fable with an ant and a grasshopper. He says that he can’t really remember it, but he thinks that the ant spent all this time working and the grasshopper just enjoys life. Then the ant dies and never gets to enjoy all the work he did in his life. I tell him that I think this is a great message for me.
…..well……
I look up the fable and it turns out that the fable is really about the ant working his ass off in the warm months collecting food and what not for the winter and the grasshopper loafs around singing in the warm months and then DIES because he didn’t do jack-crap to prepare for the winter. Well, hell. I better go clean my floor!

Ran clean.

As you all know by now if you’ve read my blog regularly (as regularly as possible considering the absence of posts to read), I am a gym rat. I love a treadmill. I love it because there is ice cold water in my little cup holder, my iphone can sit easily on a handy little tray in front of me where crappy running songs can be easily skipped (i.e. Shirley Horn….sings the slowest songs ever….lovely but not what you’re looking for to pass the time quickly), and most importantly air conditioning. I am a creature of comfort and I make no apologies for it. Well, today I ran in my neighborhood. I ran outside for a long time and it was perfect.
I ran up and down streets and cul-de-sacs where lots of other people were running, walking dogs, walking with friends and chatting. The wind was blowing just enough to keep me cool but not enough to make it feel like I had a train tied around my waist trailing behind me. Every step was like it was releasing some sort of poison from my brain. I’ve been stressed about a major change happening at work and all of it just went away. I smelled the trees and the yards being watered. I talked to old dudes as I ran by them while they raked their yards. I ran through some sprinklers that were watering the asphalt. I thought about nothing except what was happening AT THAT MOMENT. Wow, that is a bold freaking statement for me. As I wrote that sentence that came out so easily just now, I realize how very unusual that is for me. I didn’t even worry about how far I was running. I ran until I was tired and until it was almost dark. I ran until I felt clean in my heart and in my brain.

Ate a whole egg

It’s early yet, but I can safely say that eating a whole egg is going to be the best thing I do today. Not because of the egg, but because of what I had think to make that happen.
Turns out I’m anemic. Apparently, this is probably not a big deal at all. Considering my age, eating habits, and exercise regimen it could easily be absolutely no biggie. However, combined with some other “symptoms”, real or imagined, a little googling and a little self-diagnosis, I am freaked out. This is not an uncharacteristic emotion for me, but since it involves health and life and stuff…I’m thinking I should be a little freaked out.
So, I need to make sure that I’m eating better. I eat really lowfat and low calorie and, truthfully, really low nutrition. I’ve said before on this blog that I don’t eat enough vegetables and all that, and it turns out one serving of broccoli a week really isn’t enough! Who knew?! Since it could be that I’m just not getting enough nutrients and crap to keep my red blood cells healthy and multiplying, I’m going to start paying attention to vitamins and all that. I’m even going to start taking a multi-vitamin (neurosis #125 kicking in: pills eventually make you sicker). The other issue could be that I’m not absorbing aforementioned nutrients and crap. There are some things I can do to help that as well. One of them, is to eliminate artificial sweeteners, and caffeinated beverages. All I’m saying on this is that there are just some things that are non-negotiable and coffee is one of them. Although, I did skip a Starbucks visit yesterday at the mall. It sucked.
So this morning as I’m cracking the eggs and separating the whites from the yolks to ensure a super low cal breakfast, I decided to have an extra whole egg. 80 calories vs. about 14 calories. Red blood cells vs. no red blood cells. I’m gonna figure this thing out. I’m gonna quit being a slave to calories and start being a slave to my health. And, truthfully, I think it’s gonna blow. But, man, my life is too freaking good to take any chances on cutting it short for ANY reason. By the way, my coffee with splenda was delicious…both cups and everybody who has to spend time with me today is will trade a few RBCs for my caffeine-enhanced mood. Baby steps.

2011...

2010 was the best year ever. Really, it’s going to be tough to beat. As I try to think about what I want 2011 to bring I get a little weird. There are some things I’m going to try to do because I think I should. I'm going to list them here to make them real. They have nothing to do with the best thing I did today, but I think if I do them during this year, they will pop-up here on the blog.
1. I’m going to try to worry less. Lately, I worry in triplicate. I’m a worrier anyway, but it has just gotten out of control. How am I going to manage this? I have no idea. I will find a way. Maybe I just need to find the joy in each moment instead of rushing to the next problem….hmmmm.
2. I’m going to try to do something charitable once a month. People need help and good people help each other. I want to be “good people”.
3. I’m going to take vitamins. I am over 40 and my bones are achy and my hair is falling out. I need to take vitamins. I am scared of pills….any pills (except ibuprofen…which is also bad for me but what a beautiful little drug). Seriously, who is scared of taking vitamins?
4. I’m going to try to slow down. Sometimes I think about so many things at once, that I can’t think of words like…I don’t know…bowl. Let’s say I’m in the kitchen and I am about to have breakfast and Jim is standing by the bowls, I might say, “Honey, will you hand me a doo-dad?” He says what doo-dad is that? I say, “ you know, that thing you put cereal in”. THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. I think it’s because the little man in my brain is going so fast that he just can’t process it all. He needs a freakin’ valium. I could also be losing my mind, but we’re gonna go with the “slow-down” hypothesis for obvious reasons.
5. I want to run a race this year. It was the ONLY thing missing in 2010 and I think I need it. I need it for my physical and mental health. It makes me feel accomplished. I love that.
6. I’m going to write. I’m going to write on my blog or maybe even a personal journal. It empties my brain and that provides some serious benefits.
Come on 2011...roll-up, hip-hop!

Left

May was horrible. It was busy and stressful and I had a hard time finding things to write about because I was in a horrible mood most of the month and even if there were things to write about, I didn’t have time! I guess that’s where this blog comes in. I just got back from a little three day “mini-vacation”. It is the best thing I have done in a whole month. Sometimes to slow down and gain perspective, you just have to get away (no, this is not a Southwest Airlines commercial). The little man in my head was running around so furiously that he just couldn’t stop until he got punched out by a baseball game and a couple of cosmos with friends.
Here is a run-down of some stuff that helped calm my ass down.

1.Left town first thing in the morning after a rough 3 weeks. It was like I left right before my brain was going to explode. Best thing: No brain explosion.

2.Went straight to a baseball game. Best thing: No time to worry about all the stuff I left undone.

3.Went out with friends. Best thing: Adult conversation with like-minded, interesting and super funny people. My face hurt from smiling so much.

4.Ate Starbucks for breakfast TWICE. Best thing: Perfect oatmeal and strong coffee. I don’t think I have to explain how happy these two things make me. Happiness in paper cups, baby.

5.Worked out at the hotel. Best thing: No guilt about eating badly and having a few too many adult beverages.

6.Got hugs and love from a ten year old. Best thing: I’m pretty sure this child is on earth to make people feel loved and that’s what she did for me.

7.3 days with Jim without the stress of his work and mine. Best thing: Reminded me of how much fun we have together when I’m not being a raving lunatic.

I’m back home now and I can feel my little man gearing up, but he is definitely slower than he was just a few days ago. Hell, he probably got a stress fracture from over-exertion. My goal, in baseball terms, is to strike him out couple of times in the next couple of weeks and hopefully send him down to Triple A for the rest of the summer.